The 5 Stages of Understanding You're Doing an Edinbro Show With Thom Bee - By Balthazar Dark

Denial

What? No! Why? I'm goddamn main event talent! I was Choke the Chicken Wrestling Academy's 'Most Promising Graduate' in 1998 & 1999 (I didn't end up graduating in 1998 due to an issue with fees for the class i.e. I didn't pay them). Yet now I'm supposed to go to Sotchland, eat Mars bars fried in some kind of shit and throw myself in to a comedy show with Thom Bee!? Nope, uh-uh. Never.Going. To Happen.

Anger

1998 & 1999!!! DID I MAKE THAT FUCKING CLEAR. I WAS ON THE EDGE OF WRESTLING GREATNESS. FUCK THAT. I'M STILL ON THE EDGE OF WRESTLING GREATNESS. IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE EDGE IS MORE OF A GODDAMN PLANK THAT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WANTS ME TO JUMP OFF AFTER DOWNING A BOTTLE OF JACK (other whiskeys are available). HEY VINCE, YOU HAVE MY NUMBER GIVE ME A CALL SOMETIME!!!!!!

Bargaining

Hey Thom, if I give you Ric Flair's phone number can I at least have Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays off from the show??? Oh, and weekends??? I think I still have his number, I mean...it's his pager number but I bet he still uses it. You have a pager right? Oh no wait, I swallowed his pager over a drunken bet in '02. And it was Raven's pager not Ric Flair's...I'll get back to ya.

Depression

Memorieeeeeesssss, light the corners of my mind.....y'know getting out of bed ain't that easy with a busted back, knee and mind. Even more so when you have a futon and not a bed...and the futon is actually a sofa...or actually sofa cushions because a cat has more of a squatters-rights claim over the sofa than you do. Sigh.....that's right I actually wrote 'sigh' because I document all exhaling of air that I do.

Acceptance

Y'know Edinbro might be nice in August. Maybe I'll catch up with my boy Colt Cabana and he'll actually remember me and offer a high five instead of giving me change then alerting security of a homeless guy like last time when I saw him in the airport.